February 2, 2013


The thing about Christian fundamentals within a youth group is that it's destine to fail. Not completely or frequently but as humans, and as a club, people are going to get hurt and there will opposition. It's also likely that there will be a big group of self-righteous high schoolers running around with condemnation in their eyes. Fiery red eyes at that, with their fists raised, lurking for destruction of human character. It's as if Youth Group Culture (a 5' 10" handsome, clean shaven, skinny jean wearing man) gave them a razor blade with the warning label "DO NOT CUT ANYONE" knowing that it was impossible.

I had a friend tell me about an encounter he had. His name is Steve and at the time he was probably around the age of 18. Steve, not coming from a religious background, was invited to one of these Youth Groups by a friend of mine, Glenn. In Glenn's defense he was doing what he thought was right, and it was right. Glenn was inviting a non-christian friend to a christian gathering. Ultimately the best way to gain brownie points from the pastor and doing exactly what was told of him, "bring your friends to church, get them saved, BE A CHRISTIAN." I don't know what happened leading up to the instance but what I do remember hearing from Steve was that he was cornered and scolded. From what I was told the Youth Pastor was informed that Steve and his girlfriend were sharing an apartment and felt it necessary to confront the issue. Youth Pastor wanted to 'snip the bud' if you know what I mean, before it was too late, before Satan filled his heart. Youth Pastor then proceeded to take Steve aside and tell him how wrong this was and that it had to stop, immediately. Now I don't know what else was said or if there was some sort of violent argument but I do remember Steve saying 'fuck christians' at the end of the story. Steve, now 26 years old lives with his girlfriend of a year in the Seattle area and from what I know it's a fairly successful relationship.

I guess I say all this because I'm constantly confronted with poorly dealt situations being the reason why people hate church. We're human, so shoot us. But on the other hand my heart breaks. There's been a mental block put up for a very valid reason. In the same sense no one could convince me to return to jail, even for a visit. In my mind there's nothing relevant enough to cause me to return to such a terrible place. Even if i'm just visiting, even if I hadn't done something terrible to get me there. There's, and I have no proof, but is a condition of the heart and something cries out inside of me saying 'you remember the last time you were here? Yup. Don't do it.'

I remember becoming serious about my faith. There I was, 20-something days deep in my jail cell. I had the upper bunk so of course I was closer to God. He's up and the Devil's down and I'm extremely american. Now I can't really put into word what happened next nor do I want to try but I assure you, something happened. For the first time I desired to read the bible and for the first time it made sense. It's like the words were jumping at me and when it said "we rejoice in our suffering knowing that it produces patience, and perseverance and peace" I felt as though I had found something no other human had seen. All the years I grew up in church and never had I heard anything of this nature. It's as though all this jail and court and heartbreak wasn't just to break my heart. It was to build me as a human. And that was refreshing. I feel as though I could write an entire book solely on that epiphany but I wont. I'm not really certain why I write all these different aspects of my "Christian" experience other than to write them.

Like I told my friend the other day, 'I don't think i'd ever invite someone to church just to try and get them to church. Why humanize something that's completely not of this world?'

"go preach the gospel, tell others of Jesus and if necessary, use words." -anonymous

January 18, 2013

I'm an ignorant son of a man.

Do you love what you do.

Do you love what you do? Do you take time every morning to praise God in such a way that you are at the very least grateful for what you do. I believe that not everyone can say this. It's not statistical proof and I haven't done studies but by the demeanor of people and how they carry themselves and what they talk about and what, that as shallow as it sounds, they POST about; it doesn't reflect a life of gratefulness. They haven't found happiness in the simplistic sense and more importantly they gave up trying. Perhaps they've  never given it a chance. I was never told growing up that "I could do whatever I desired to do." I mean yes I heard it but I was never TOLD it. I feel like no one ever sat me down looked me in the eyes and told me one of the most profound yet stereotypical things: 'you can be and do whatever you so desire.' I feel resentful. I feel cheated and misinformed and I think that someone, be it my dad or counselor or probation officer, let me down. I feel like they all let me down and I think it's because they too never had someone say it to them.

Submerse yourself. This is a broad statement but we need to surround ourselves and submerse ourselves with people and things we enjoy. This sounds extreme but I'm convinced that if you're not happy at your job then you need to quit and find a new one. "I have a mortgage and bills and kids and..." I want to understand but I don't. What I do understand is that you got yourself to this place and in order to get out you need to not wait for anyone else. Like the parable of them man waiting for a helicopter in an ocean you need to open your eyes and see the boats and canoes and rafts passing by. The longer you or I or anyone waits the harder it will be. We have things called minds, with brains which may cause us to think too much and do too little. Common sense isn't always a thought, sometimes it's an action and sometimes it requires action to obtain. Quit living like a cookie cutter and be something you desire. Be someone you'd look up to. I desire for the world to be of character and integrity. While realizing that this is impossible my desire immediately switches to sympathy, love that shadows evil and a sense of "I really don't give a shit who you aren't" so that I may listen, understand and help them. It's important to be honest with yourself when you think such things though because if you proceed and act out if dishonesty or to feel good about yourself you will not only end up burning up but bringing people down with you along the way. It's a reason why Christians all of a sudden don't seem so 'Christ like.' Because they're motivation wasn't honest it was selfish ambition with Jesus written on it. A slippery slope. A recipe for disaster.