January 20, 2012

La liberté. Partie 1:

FREEDOM ‎[free-duhm]: the state of being free or at liberty rather than in confinement or under physical restraint.

I've really be making a hard attempt at trying to not offend people lately. I can come off so opinionated and arrogant and I don't think it's right. Yes there's a part of me and a part to all of this that I really don't have to give a %&$# but it's also easier to not care than to take into consideration other peoples thoughts and egos. (this statement revealing that I have one of my own). You can't judge a book by it's cover and that's why at the age of 40 i'd like to be covered head to toe with tattoos. (point proven)

I have to write more often so bare with me. I apologize ahead of time for sucking at it but in order to get better i've really come to realize I need to exercise the ability more often. No one is spending hundreds of dollars on shoes and entry fees to run the Boston Marathon without having trained before hand and if I expect to go to school for Journalism this next year then why would I not get a jump on the program? I'm sorry if that offended you, I didn't mean it I swear...

As you all know I'm very fond of myself and my ideologies. I legitimately take pride in being able to extract them from my head, down my neck, bypassing the heart as often as possible and through my arms into these hands. It's a passion the Lord has given me and ever since a friend of mine (Kayla Blythe) told me I should begin journaling about 4 years ago I've seen it very therapeutic to my undiagnosed ADD. Or ADHD? HIV? Whatever my diagnosis is; it's detrimental to my health this i'm sure of.

So I had a thought, many of them actually but to generalize them and push them through a funnel i'd say that the thought was about FREEDOM. And FREEDOM I am fond of. I told a friend a few years back that I would take a bus into Canada, have a beer, then take off into the wilderness for a few days by my lonesome. Dreadfully, it never happened but just the ambition I had and the originality of it really stired something inside me. Jesus is the ultimate freedom and has shown me He's the only true sense of being free, in relation with Him and so through this relationship i've found that my soul has swayed back and forth in burden and weightlessness. He never said I'd always feel free but He did say i'd have the ability to be. Anyway, I've come to realize that freedom isn't just being lonesome or single or away from the city. It's actually a sort of state of mind, and for me and those of us who call ourselves Christians it comes with things like peace and creativity and drive to do something better. Freedom has, to me, become relationship with Jesus. Sounds foreign I know and I honestly don't expect you to understand until you've given your life to Jesus but it's just...legit.

I had a conversation with Glenn yesterday/today about relationship. I told him that I think often that if I had the opportunity to do whatever I felt was best that more often than not it was by myself. I told him that my battle with the thought of not having Bri or a girl in general in my life is prevalent but almost unfathomable, and how it sort of angers me. If I can't see myself lonely then have I become dependent on other people? Have I fallen victim to a sort of 'healthy' codependency and what will the future look like? I can't answer those questions (hence why I ask them) but what I can't tell you are my desires. I feel terrible that you've read another blog posting about me going on an adventure, doing what my heart desires and never returning. I apologize for this but it is what its become and I can hardly help it. Shit, in fact I can hardly think straight after this kind of therapy. But it is therapy so I'm blessed by it, blessed to have such clarity through simple thoughts. I hope you can do the same. Cheers.

Joshua Monteith/MOORpictures

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