June 30, 2011

to God; in confused humility

the other day I tried. I failed. I attempted to do something incredible and only caused the inevitable.

I run circles in my head trying to fix what i've wronged. God, hook a brother up, give a nigga a straight answer! Or have you? Did I miss it and if so where? Which direction have I wandered when all along I was supposed to patiently wait. This waiting game I'm called to exercise isn't working out and I guess i've grown that in not knowing there's knowledge to be gained. I desire to know but learn more when I do exactly the opposite.

There's something about not understanding yet becoming so consumed in trouble and worry it'll only cause peace. "I've messed up so badly this time. Holy Lord God Almighty! Will you still save me? All the misunderstanding i've been spoon fed in the pew and all that i've heard spoken of; is this what it's like to exercise the Truth? Is this where you wanted me the entire time?"

I've come to realize that in a very unhealthy manor i've gotten used to chaos and a distraught sense of being. Follow? I was talking with a friend and through that realized i've grown up since the age 14 not being parented by my parents but by the law. I've not answered to my mothers or fathers correction but rather to my probation officers. It's what I chose. I wouldn't 'blame' it on anything else. Do I forgive myself? hardly, but the fact is that it's what I chose and through these things have developed terrible, self-destructive habits. A case of ADD mixed with male genes sprinkled with the Monteith family name and here I sit, a 6ft 1in 24 year old boy trying to develop the habits of a man, or what i've been shown is a man.

To God I look. I look to the people He has placed in my life and just as you begin to roll your eyes at such a traditional thing to say realize that says specifially that 'He uses the foolish to confound the wise' and foolish I am.

To God be the glory, nothing or no one else. And to Jesus be my heart, the only one i've got that's so terribly fucked up.

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