February 28, 2011

Random Expression

Can't decide whether I'm right or wrong. As if I'm my own judge, my own rule maker. Ignorance overwhelms me.

"wanting to have a relationship with Jesus foremost; is important to maintaining a relationship."

How do I convey what I cannot explain? You see this ministry thing, the ministering to unbelievers isn't as easy as I had hoped. I didn't sign up anywhere. I didn't have someone come to me and ask me if I wanted to know Jesus and the thing about it is that if they had I would have spit in their face. "don't tell me what I can and cannot do" seems to be the common response. A misconception I can't single handedly change. I wish I could, Oh Lord do I. But the fact is I can't. Just like I would have punched the Bible thumper who asked me I only assume their response will be similar. Why do I turmoil over what seems like such a minor road block? It'll never go away. The 'judgmental', the 'legalistic', the 'religion', the 'hypocrisy', and every other stereotype I receive will always remain. I spend so much effort in thought and emotion asking God for the solution while all along He's hitting me over the head yelling "it's ok if there's not a solution Josh."

You mean to say there are problems that cannot be solved? Or should I say issues that have no resolution. I feel like Dorothy on an ever-ending Yellow Brick Road. If you tell me to make disciples, if I'm called to preach the Good News with the knowledge that some will harden their Pharaoh-style hearts and not receive what God seems to be saying through me; then how God, you'll have to teach me how to breath again. As if i've been living on a misunderstanding. Feeling as though I'm digging a hole that has no end. A lost cause. But not exactly.

The parable of the sewer. Sometimes God will use me to cast out demons and others he'll use me in what seems at the time as complete failure. I didn't stand on stage with shaky knees to not have my odds of salvation 0 for 250. Was I not Holy enough? I masturbated yesterday so God apparently used that against me. But I thought 'if God is for me who can be against me'? Doesn't that include the world, Satans dwelling place? I cannot do anything on my own. That's it, I tried to do it on my own. I failed; will always fail.


  1. "then how God, you'll have to teach me how to breath again"
    powerful stuff.

  2. I really appreciate you responses. Thank you for reading Aline! God bless you sister