September 8, 2009

i want to: everything

I bet you're wondering why this ridiculous picture made my blog aren't you? I'll get to the reasoning in a moment but first,

my thoughts:

sometimes i wonder if i take things too seriously. i often find myself stressed, tired, anxious, and dreary of where i am and who i'm becoming. all this happening before i leave my house. you see, i'm a very indecisive person who knows what he wants. contradictory but very true indeed. i'll never forget the time i was hanging out with mario and chuck at the triplex last winter just sitting talking and we all kind of went around and told each other our opinions of one another. the thing i won't forget was chuck telling me his opinion of me being something along the lines of "you're a good guy Josh you just fill your plate too full, you double schedule and it seems that you want to do everything when we all know that it'd be impossible." It's funny i remembered something so insignificant, we sat and talked like that every other night but on that night, for one reason or another i remembered what chuck had said about me. this isn't going to make much sense but i want to do everything i want to do more than anything but know i can't so i literally run in circles trying to figure out what of that i want to do until i'm unable to do any of it at all. lately i've been praying for the Lord to chill my mind out, i want my focus to be on what He wants and the plans He may have for me but because in the end, His desire really is my desire.

So i had an idea not too long ago to hitchhike across america. probably starting here in Coeurd'Alene and finishing somewhere like Boston or New York or Nashville. i have a lot of reasons why i want to complete such an unordinary task but i'd say the major reason is just to do it. i'm beginning to realize that although marriage is an amazing thing there are way too many things to do while i'm still single. there are a million places i want to go, a thousand ways to get there and being together with someone whether married or dating might just slow me down. so tonight at work as i was standing there daydreaming about this upcoming winter and the many adventurous options i have to spend it. i got thinking about this hitchhiking again. but this time it was different, i want to do it for a reason other than my self-gratification, i want to raise money or help someone along the way or both. i want to be driven by my own ambition and the prayers of hundreds. in fact, i don't want to be anyone while i'm doing it but a reflection of Jesus himself. i want to heal, touch, influence, challenge. All in the name of Jesus. fear is few and far between when i'm on a mission for my Lord. it'd be awesome to be treking through america with my bike, video camera, and a computer. talk about DESIRE.

I don't know though. is it another anxious moment driven by too much thought? or is it truth and desire directed by the Lord? both i think. I guess we'll see how the cookie crumbles.

what's that? God's good? well speaking of God being good here's a video/biography i'm working on with a man the Lords put in my life. Glenn Landberg and I have been friends for quite some time and i've never had anything bad to say about him. stay tuned for more updates on the video and my desire-filled blog. enjoy.

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